The Official "You're a F**kin' Liar" Thread

[motorcityjoe611]

a cj major that chews tobacco? well i'll be damned.

Right, but I was an art major. Kind of an anomaly. It was hilarious having Tom in class amongst the art students. He was like a wiry bull in a china shop.

[The Black Hand]

You are going to think I’m lying. I swear to you this is the truth.

I’m at lunch last week. My coworker says her son is struggling with the whole Santa Claus thing. She said he was in the shower. He called her upstairs and said something to the effect of “Hey, you remember those boxers that you go me for Christmas….can you get me another pair?” My coworker says “yes”. Then he throws out the “Ah Ha!! I caught you….you said those were from Santa Claus.” Then she makes up this story about how he was wrong and those were really the boxers his sister got him for Christmas. Now he’s back to the drawing board to figure out how to debunk this Santa Claus thing. At this point I’m thinking kid is like 7 yrs old. My coworker then makes this statement about how she is never ever going to tell him that Santa Claus doesn’t exist. She’s serious.

I did the logical thing and asked her how old this kid is.

She says:

*Don't open this spoiler unless you are prepared to be pissed*

Spoiler: show

this f#cker is 14 years old. The dipsh*t is in 8th grade.

I did anything any sensible American would do. I went ape sh*t on her ass. I basically told her how much of a clown she is and how her husband needs to get control of his household. She says she is aware that he is the only one of his friends that still believes in Santa Claus but she is not going to tell him. She actually tells this dumb ass that it’s OK if his friends don’t believe in Santa Claus. That just means that all of his friends’ parents have to go out and buy all of their gifts themselves. WTF. I don’t know if it’s good that the kid wants to believe that his mother isn’t a f#ckin liar or if it’s bad that he’s too dumb to figure out that he is the last 14 yr old believer in Santa Claus for a reason.

FYI, we confirmed at lunch that this kid is now in high school and still believes in Santa Claus. His mother is still not going to tell him. The father is still a b*tch. He is afraid to go against the mother. I just want to beat his ass.

[FastFreddie]

FYI, we confirmed at lunch that this kid is now in high school and still believes in Santa Claus. His mother is still not going to tell him. The father is still a b*tch. He is afraid to go against the mother. I just want to beat his ass.

Regardless of the (strange) parents, I find it awfully hard to believe that some kids in school didn't blow Santa's cover, by about 3-4th grade.

Isn't that how most kids find out: an older sibling or cousin, or someone in school, usually by what age 6-7-8?

[onionpouch]

Agreed, I don't believe that the kid actually believes in Santa. Sad that mom is so naive about the whole thing

[pGekko]

In high school spring break, Bike Week at Daytona Beach and at the age of 17, I nearly became immortal.

My friends and I met some girls from Ohio. Karen, this one I was with was super cute, with a playmate body. This was 1980 and everyone was using Bain de Soliel, which is like pure oil. Because of her I've always been turned on by tan lines. After a couple days, she became more uninhibited and although I had some experience early on with girls (like 7th and 8th grade), she was the first passionate, naked chick that I was able to spend an hour or so being in a hotel room around. Being a visual person, seeing the contrast of her protected areas against brown skin, it was AWESOME.

All week I was slow playing the effort to seal the deal completely and she said she appreciated my patience, saying she just wasn't ready. She had a boyfriend in Akron and like our time together, she wouldn't let him go all the way (but the way in between was very exciting). Still, we have a great time together. We were set to leave Saturday morning, so on Thursday night, my buddies and I go out for one last hurrah. We head to Brewmeister's; all you can drink. Just the guys. Beautiful waitress in her 20s immediately starts chatting me up. Sandy blonde hair, green eyes, slender with a rack. "I'm Terry!" said she loves Italian guys with blue eyes and blah, blah, blah. My friends are all pissed and we're laughing about it, chugging beers and eating chicken.

NEXT HER IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER comes in and sits on my lap, and says, "Are you Joe?"
"Yeah"
"My sister told me to introduce myself. I'm Tawny," and then she kisses me!
Now I'm getting nervous. I start drinking more (I could always out drink my friends and my ego got the better of me). I start mixing in white wine then beer--hey, it's all you can drink after all.

T & T come back into our area and they're all over me again. At the risk of sounding anachronistic, I thought I was either being Punked or starring in an Axe commercial. Grabbing my chest, my ass, kissing me. Tawny says, in front of everyone, "We get off at 2:00. Come back and we'll show you a great time."
Schwinnnnng!
We get up, the girls both kiss me goodbye, grab me and shti and we stumble back to the hotel. The whole way it's all,
"You lucky SOB! Take me with you" my friends are begging me.
At our hotel, who do we run into? Karen! White cotton dress and dark!
My friends leave me with her, yelling "2:00 am fukcer! Don't be late!"
"What's at 2:00 am?"
"No idea."
She takes my hand, doesn't say a word, takes me into the elevator and kisses me all the way up. Outside the door to my room she whispers, "I want you to be my first."
I'm thinking then I'm on the verge of having material for the best Penthouse letter ever written! I mean, it's only 10:30;
Karen wants me, and the Double T sisters are waiting. We get to my room, she pulls her dress over her head, I strip, and then...
...my stomach started gurgling.
Really pushing upwards. I suppress a burp. She grabs grampie's glue gun,
being really friendly. And I'm trying to be the good soldier but suddenly I say, "Oh no!", and rush into the john where I proceed to puke my guts out. I try to recover but beg off, sending her away, knowing I still have time to meet my twin destiny at Brewmeisters. She asks if I want her to stay the night and I'm like, "No! I'll be fine. We still have tomorrow night. Rain check. Promise?"
"Promise."

Suppressing the urge to vomit, I grab an alarm clock into the bathroom and set it for 1:00 am. I puke 5 more times, finally passing out on the floor. I wake up feeling INCREDIBLE, ready to shag except it's 4 am!
I stare at the alarm clock and it's set. How the fukc did I sleep through it?!

Next day everyone's breaking my balls. "That's what you get, mixing beer and wine." I haul ass up to Brewmeisters at noon, asking for the girls. Manager looks at me sideways. "Oh yeah. They waited here until about 2:30 then went home."
"What time do they work tonight?"
"Off until Wednesday."
"Can I have their number?"
"Uh, no. Sorry bro."

Deflated I go to the pool for lunch. Still have one last night with Karen. She gives me a beer and I knew immediately it wasn't going to happen. She said, "You've been so sweet all week and I've had so much fun. You know, I'm glad you were so mature about things. I wasn't ready and last night, well, it's a good thing you were so plastered. I mean, who knows what would've happened, right?"
"Yeah, who knows."
I went from nearly being Hef for a night to lying in a fetal position on a chaise lounge. That night all Karen wanted to do was walk the beach and "cuddle." when I suggested more she informed me that, "Aunt Flow had come to visit."
"Aunt Flo?"
"My period."
Even growing up with two sisters I'd not heard that one.
Sigh. Boner softener.

Footnote
By the way, after the pool on Friday, my buddies and I walked into our room to hear the alarm clock buzzing.
I had set it for 1 pm.

I think this was Borri's best.

[JDC48160]

Borri should write a damn book of these stories. Some great stuff.

[pGekko]

Borri should grow some damn ball hair and come back. I never took that guy for being a *****.

[onionpouch]

I don't get how a message board can mess with your head

[motorcityjoe611]

Borri should grow some damn ball hair and come back. I never took that guy for being a *****.

Grass don't grow on the playground beatch.

[pGekko]

Grass don't grow on the playground beatch.

[The Black Hand]

Borri should grow some damn ball hair and come back. I never took that guy for being a *****.

You and AC wouldn't stop f ucking with the guy. I think he PM'd me his email address. Write an express written apology and I'll forward it to him. That may be the only way to get him back.