Not to derail this fun, but seeing as I never posted in this thread before...
I've never seen E.T. or Titanic
I try to pee in as many great rivers as possible. So far I've crossed off the Mississippi, the Danube, the Tiber, the Arno, the Vltava, the Salzach, the Seine, and the Thames. Also, in the canals of Venice and Amsterdam.
In high school spring break, Bike Week at Daytona Beach and at the age of 17, I nearly became immortal.
My friends and I met some girls from Ohio. Karen, this one I was with was super cute, with a playmate body. This was 1980 and everyone was using Bain de Soliel, which is like pure oil. Because of her I've always been turned on by tan lines. After a couple days, she became more uninhibited and although I had some experience early on with girls (like 7th and 8th grade), she was the first passionate, naked chick that I was able to spend an hour or so being in a hotel room around. Being a visual person, seeing the contrast of her protected areas against brown skin, it was AWESOME.
All week I was slow playing the effort to seal the deal completely and she said she appreciated my patience, saying she just wasn't ready. She had a boyfriend in Akron and like our time together, she wouldn't let him go all the way (but the way in between was very exciting). Still, we have a great time together. We were set to leave Saturday morning, so on Thursday night, my buddies and I go out for one last hurrah. We head to Brewmeister's; all you can drink. Just the guys. Beautiful waitress in her 20s immediately starts chatting me up. Sandy blonde hair, green eyes, slender with a rack. "I'm Terry!" said she loves Italian guys with blue eyes and blah, blah, blah. My friends are all pissed and we're laughing about it, chugging beers and eating chicken.
NEXT HER IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER comes in and sits on my lap, and says, "Are you Joe?"
"My sister told me to introduce myself. I'm Tawny," and then she kisses me!
Now I'm getting nervous. I start drinking more (I could always out drink my friends and my ego got the better of me). I start mixing in white wine then beer--hey, it's all you can drink after all.
T & T come back into our area and they're all over me again. At the risk of sounding anachronistic, I thought I was either being Punked or starring in an Axe commercial. Grabbing my chest, my ass, kissing me. Tawny says, in front of everyone, "We get off at 2:00. Come back and we'll show you a great time."
We get up, the girls both kiss me goodbye, grab me and shti and we stumble back to the hotel. The whole way it's all,
"You lucky SOB! Take me with you" my friends are begging me.
At our hotel, who do we run into? Karen! White cotton dress and dark!
My friends leave me with her, yelling "2:00 am fukcer! Don't be late!"
"What's at 2:00 am?"
She takes my hand, doesn't say a word, takes me into the elevator and kisses me all the way up. Outside the door to my room she whispers, "I want you to be my first."
I'm thinking then I'm on the verge of having material for the best Penthouse letter ever written! I mean, it's only 10:30;
Karen wants me, and the Double T sisters are waiting. We get to my room, she pulls her dress over her head, I strip, and then...
...my stomach started gurgling.
Really pushing upwards. I suppress a burp. She grabs grampie's glue gun,
being really friendly. And I'm trying to be the good soldier but suddenly I say, "Oh no!", and rush into the john where I proceed to puke my guts out. I try to recover but beg off, sending her away, knowing I still have time to meet my twin destiny at Brewmeisters. She asks if I want her to stay the night and I'm like, "No! I'll be fine. We still have tomorrow night. Rain check. Promise?"
Suppressing the urge to vomit, I grab an alarm clock into the bathroom and set it for 1:00 am. I puke 5 more times, finally passing out on the floor. I wake up feeling INCREDIBLE, ready to shag except it's 4 am!
I stare at the alarm clock and it's set. How the fukc did I sleep through it?!
Next day everyone's breaking my balls. "That's what you get, mixing beer and wine." I haul ass up to Brewmeisters at noon, asking for the girls. Manager looks at me sideways. "Oh yeah. They waited here until about 2:30 then went home."
"What time do they work tonight?"
"Off until Wednesday."
"Can I have their number?"
"Uh, no. Sorry bro."
Deflated I go to the pool for lunch. Still have one last night with Karen. She gives me a beer and I knew immediately it wasn't going to happen. She said, "You've been so sweet all week and I've had so much fun. You know, I'm glad you were so mature about things. I wasn't ready and last night, well, it's a good thing you were so plastered. I mean, who knows what would've happened, right?"
"Yeah, who knows."
I went from nearly being Hef for a night to lying in a fetal position on a chaise lounge. That night all Karen wanted to do was walk the beach and "cuddle." when I suggested more she informed me that, "Aunt Flow had come to visit."
Even growing up with two sisters I'd not heard that one.
Sigh. Boner softener.
By the way, after the pool on Friday, my buddies and I walked into our room to hear the alarm clock buzzing.
I had set it for 1 pm.
MotorCityJoe- Since 2007: You talking to me?
Borri delivers again! These stories are gold!
This guy either has the greatest imagination ever, or was one bad mother****er when he was a young buck.
Just thought of this the other day...I have never in my life licked my finger or thumb to grab a piece of paper. Grabbing paper just never seemed important enough to lick my hands for it.
Back in the day I used to chew tobacco. I started at Northern, working my way up from Skoal to Copenhagen. I was never overly hardcore about it, mostly a tin per week. Guys did a lot of mooching but that was part of the camaraderie up there. I had this one buddy who ended up being a cop in Owosso. He was a farmboy from Gaylord, definitely a self-proclaimed redneck. Great guy, but dipped so much his lower lip jutted out from all the chew. Guy went through a tin of Cope every two days. That's an assload of chew.
Tom was a Criminal Justice major and to satisfy a humanities requirement took a woodworking class. He wanted to learn to carve a decoy and was pissed when the professor tried to get him to carve a "representational form that brought into play past recognition one associates with waterfowl."
In other words, an abstract carving. Tom was all, "Doesn't this long hair sum***** know I just want to make a mallard out of wood?!"
So we had this chubby suck up in the class who was a furniture-making major that we nicknamed Homer (after Homer Formsby). He would eat in class and drink 3 or 4 Dr. Peppers, too. At NMU, you could chew tobacco during school and nobody cared. So one class, Tom and I are chewing and spitting into a pop can. We kind of got separated and a half hour later, I see him spitting into a Dr. Pepper can. I said, "What the hell are you spitting into that for?"
Tom said, "What? It's our chew can."
I showed him a Coke can, "No. This is the can we've been spitting in."
I felt the Dr. Pepper can and it was cold. "Damn Tom, that's Homer's Dr. Pepper!"
He smiled, "Well I'll be dipped in pig shti. It is!" He carefully walked back to the spot he found it and left it there.
"Tom you can't do that. We have to tell him."
"Why? That fat suck up."
I started to make my way over there and before I could say anything Homer grabbed his Dr. Pepper, took a huge slug and did a brief double take at the can before chugging the rest of it down and tossing the can in the garbage.
I nearly retched while Tom broke out in coughing jags.
A week later at the next class Homer walked up to show us a table leg he was turning on a lathe. He had a piece of ham in the corner of his mouth and was washing down the rest of a sandwich with his second Dr. Pepper. He then started giving us shti about how disgusting chewing was. "Man, I could never stick that crap in my mouth."
"Sure you could," Tom told him.
MotorCityJoe- Since 2007: You talking to me?
a cj major that chews tobacco? well i'll be damned.